So we've spent some time talking about divorce this week. Fun subject. The closer i get to marriage the more nervous i get about divorce. That's not to say i have no hope when i start my marriage, i seriously just think that divorce is like one of my worst fears. I can handle death of a spouse, as tramatic as that would be. But i could live with knowing that my spouse, had he had had the choice, would have decided to stay with me. I just have nightmares thinking, that maybe i married the wrong person, or that they turned out to be someone different than i thought, or things got to bad that we both just gave up, or maybe he just gave up on us.
I dont seem to see alot of good things that come out of a divorce; there always seems to be bitterness from one person to the other, the kids are definately affected, friends, other family. It just seems like everyone takes a hit from it.
I know marriage wont be easy, not a piece of cake, and no walk in the park, but i feel like we as a society have deemed divorce as an appropriate way to get out of fixable things. We dont have the same interests like we used to, so we get divorced, we had all these kids and were still not happy, we get divorced, were having problems with money, we get divorced. Now i understand, that abuse and infidelity are seperate cases, but i think the majority of those getting divorced these days are doing it over silliness.
The covenants that were made are forgotten, and the strength behind the covenant isnt exercised, thus resulting in a weak marriage. Divorce has just become focused on what's more convenient for the parents, and the kids have turned into property. I think marriages need to be re-evaluated often and can be fixed and strengthened. But we have to have the determination when we get into it, to make it work. otherwise we'll take the easy way out.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Worky Worker
This week we talked about the history of work, and then read Marvin J. Ashton's talk on how to manage our money and how that can help our marriage. I have been praying for a topic like this since i got home from my mission!
So, here's the deal. Work has always been super stressed upon in my house. If you wanted something, you had to work for it and earn it. Now, although you may not have earned the money equivalent or whatever it was, my parents would usually compensate depending on the effort they saw put forth. That seems fair right?
I've had to work since I've been in High School, and pay for college. And after all the money I accumulated during my off-track my parents would usually compensate for money for groceries or books. It's been that way since I started school here. Alright, then Bailey went and served a mission, and all the money she earned before that went towards her mission, which left her with nothing when she came home for school. However she was already enrolled to get back in 6 weeks since being home from her mission. Now maybe that was my bad, I really felt like i was to get back in school as quick as possible. And my parents have been great about it, in the sense that they have been more than happy to pay for everything with me getting back into school.
I'm not complaining here, because I know there are a million people who would switch me places. BUT I want to be supporting myself, and feel self-sufficent again. Now the situation seems to be tricky, since I'm taking such a big course level, and now on fast grad. When will I ever be able to have time to get a job and make some extra cash? And when will the endless funds from my parents stop coming? I dont know. its like this inner conflict I keep having, the natural man inside is telling me, "what are you complaining about, take advantage of the fact that your parents are so willing and eager to help you out with your finances. If they're willing, then let them." But then the other side of me says, "But is this crippling me for later? When I get married will the funds just be cut off? And if they are, will I be ready for that?" I want to be ready for that.
I feel like Marvin J. Ashton's talk talked about so many concerns that I've been having. And when i go home during the 7 week break, I intend to talk to my parents about alot of these bullet points and what i can do to be more self sufficient. I want my parents to teach me how to better balance my bank account, how to check it, how to keep a budget, how to sacrifice things now for more important things later. I'm really grateful that we talked about this, and now to see how I can implement it into my life, whether i want to or not :)
So, here's the deal. Work has always been super stressed upon in my house. If you wanted something, you had to work for it and earn it. Now, although you may not have earned the money equivalent or whatever it was, my parents would usually compensate depending on the effort they saw put forth. That seems fair right?
I've had to work since I've been in High School, and pay for college. And after all the money I accumulated during my off-track my parents would usually compensate for money for groceries or books. It's been that way since I started school here. Alright, then Bailey went and served a mission, and all the money she earned before that went towards her mission, which left her with nothing when she came home for school. However she was already enrolled to get back in 6 weeks since being home from her mission. Now maybe that was my bad, I really felt like i was to get back in school as quick as possible. And my parents have been great about it, in the sense that they have been more than happy to pay for everything with me getting back into school.
I'm not complaining here, because I know there are a million people who would switch me places. BUT I want to be supporting myself, and feel self-sufficent again. Now the situation seems to be tricky, since I'm taking such a big course level, and now on fast grad. When will I ever be able to have time to get a job and make some extra cash? And when will the endless funds from my parents stop coming? I dont know. its like this inner conflict I keep having, the natural man inside is telling me, "what are you complaining about, take advantage of the fact that your parents are so willing and eager to help you out with your finances. If they're willing, then let them." But then the other side of me says, "But is this crippling me for later? When I get married will the funds just be cut off? And if they are, will I be ready for that?" I want to be ready for that.
I feel like Marvin J. Ashton's talk talked about so many concerns that I've been having. And when i go home during the 7 week break, I intend to talk to my parents about alot of these bullet points and what i can do to be more self sufficient. I want my parents to teach me how to better balance my bank account, how to check it, how to keep a budget, how to sacrifice things now for more important things later. I'm really grateful that we talked about this, and now to see how I can implement it into my life, whether i want to or not :)
Wayward
I felt like this topic correlated with some things that I have been talking about in my religion class, as well as this class. In learning more how to be a better parent and how to discipline my own children I have learned alot from the scriptures. The scriptures are like a little parenting book from the Lord. You can see examples of parenting styles that worked and those that didnt. I have seen in my own family, through my parents example with my brother how one should deal with a "wayward" child. We spent a day talking about the council system and process one should have within their own family and between their marriage.
Here's how I've seen it. My brother Kelen, is the best. I love him to pieces. Since about middle school Kelen has struggled with a testimony and knowing if the church is true. The principles were taught however the importance for them wasn't understood on his part. I think this is normal, and alot of teenagers go through this phase. I think the question is what do we do as parents when we have a child who doesn't want to participate in our values and standards? In my Book of Mormon class we were talking about Moroni 7: 6-9, and how if one does something without real intent or grudingly then it profiteth him nothing. So what does a parent do when a child is only doing the things because their parents have asked them to do so?
In my house, although there were times of confrontation, the expectation of what me and my siblings were required to do stood, regardless of how we felt about it. On Sundays we went to church, and in High School we had to go to early morning seminary. Now, although my brother did not agree with the things that were always taught, he went because he loved my parents and respected their wishes. However, once Kelen left for school at Sonoma State in California, he chose to not attend church or anything. But I think that is when he started to notice a difference, between his life at school, and the evironment he had at home. Right before I left for my mission, we had a really good chat. Kelen, is one that wants to do things for his own count, and not because of parental pressure or social influence. You have to respect that. How many boys go on missions just because its been drilled in their heads that thats what they do when they turn 19, and then they get in the mission field and then reality hits that they dont have their parents testimonies to lean off of? I think that happens all too often. When I left for my mission i have Kelen the challenege to read the Book of Mormon and really think about the principles it was teaching over whatever grammatical errors or historic content he didn't agree with. He agreed to do so.
During my mission, Kelen transferred to BYU, he did this all on his own too. He was accepted and has been excelling in his major there. Although Kelen hasn't served a mission yet, i still feel really strongly that one day he will. And if he doesn't he's made alot of progress, And i think it is all because my parents were very open with him, and respected what he wanted, but he did the same. The relationship they have had has always been an open one, and although what Kelen has wanted to do, has not always been what my parents have wanted for him, the why's of the gospel have been explained. Kelen hasn't just been given the "To-do" list of the gospel like i think we often do as parents. Kelen is slowly understanding the doctrine behind each commandment and recieving a testimony for himself.
Here's how I've seen it. My brother Kelen, is the best. I love him to pieces. Since about middle school Kelen has struggled with a testimony and knowing if the church is true. The principles were taught however the importance for them wasn't understood on his part. I think this is normal, and alot of teenagers go through this phase. I think the question is what do we do as parents when we have a child who doesn't want to participate in our values and standards? In my Book of Mormon class we were talking about Moroni 7: 6-9, and how if one does something without real intent or grudingly then it profiteth him nothing. So what does a parent do when a child is only doing the things because their parents have asked them to do so?
In my house, although there were times of confrontation, the expectation of what me and my siblings were required to do stood, regardless of how we felt about it. On Sundays we went to church, and in High School we had to go to early morning seminary. Now, although my brother did not agree with the things that were always taught, he went because he loved my parents and respected their wishes. However, once Kelen left for school at Sonoma State in California, he chose to not attend church or anything. But I think that is when he started to notice a difference, between his life at school, and the evironment he had at home. Right before I left for my mission, we had a really good chat. Kelen, is one that wants to do things for his own count, and not because of parental pressure or social influence. You have to respect that. How many boys go on missions just because its been drilled in their heads that thats what they do when they turn 19, and then they get in the mission field and then reality hits that they dont have their parents testimonies to lean off of? I think that happens all too often. When I left for my mission i have Kelen the challenege to read the Book of Mormon and really think about the principles it was teaching over whatever grammatical errors or historic content he didn't agree with. He agreed to do so.
During my mission, Kelen transferred to BYU, he did this all on his own too. He was accepted and has been excelling in his major there. Although Kelen hasn't served a mission yet, i still feel really strongly that one day he will. And if he doesn't he's made alot of progress, And i think it is all because my parents were very open with him, and respected what he wanted, but he did the same. The relationship they have had has always been an open one, and although what Kelen has wanted to do, has not always been what my parents have wanted for him, the why's of the gospel have been explained. Kelen hasn't just been given the "To-do" list of the gospel like i think we often do as parents. Kelen is slowly understanding the doctrine behind each commandment and recieving a testimony for himself.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Puedes aclarar la situation?
I really liked the topic this week of how we communicate. This is like seriously all we do, but we seem to have many more miscommunications than conversations that we correctly interpret. So we learned in class that there are 3 types of communication and this is how it breaks up...
Words- 14%
Tones- 35%
Non-verbal- 51%
How is it that words are the smallest of that percentage? Society drags us to communicate so many other ways other than just basic face to face conversation. Texting, Facebooking, Twitter, Blogging even. All these things are good when used appropriately however the should not be used to replace talking to someone in person. However all to often we seem to let them take priority. Alright, so i have a Facebook and I text as well. But I see now how we spend more time communicating with our thumbs than we do with our mouth. This is kind of my problem with texting and communicating through a computer or something. We are always prone to say something that we wouldnt usually say to that person. It could be something inappropriate, too blunt, rude, or we disclose too much. Plus these ways of communication elimate both the tone of voice and all the non-verbal cues you would be able to pick up on if you could just see the persons face! Plus, we read wayyy more into a text message than we do when we have a conversation with someone in person. Talking to someone can eliminate half of the problem of miscommunicating. However i think all to often we want to be able to disclose something more that we wouldnt feel comfortable to do in person just because we want to be able to say that "me and so and so had the greatest conversation" or whatever. I think we just need to be smart in how we communicate and recognize that people may read into it more if it comes through words on a phone than what comes out of our mouth.
Words- 14%
Tones- 35%
Non-verbal- 51%
How is it that words are the smallest of that percentage? Society drags us to communicate so many other ways other than just basic face to face conversation. Texting, Facebooking, Twitter, Blogging even. All these things are good when used appropriately however the should not be used to replace talking to someone in person. However all to often we seem to let them take priority. Alright, so i have a Facebook and I text as well. But I see now how we spend more time communicating with our thumbs than we do with our mouth. This is kind of my problem with texting and communicating through a computer or something. We are always prone to say something that we wouldnt usually say to that person. It could be something inappropriate, too blunt, rude, or we disclose too much. Plus these ways of communication elimate both the tone of voice and all the non-verbal cues you would be able to pick up on if you could just see the persons face! Plus, we read wayyy more into a text message than we do when we have a conversation with someone in person. Talking to someone can eliminate half of the problem of miscommunicating. However i think all to often we want to be able to disclose something more that we wouldnt feel comfortable to do in person just because we want to be able to say that "me and so and so had the greatest conversation" or whatever. I think we just need to be smart in how we communicate and recognize that people may read into it more if it comes through words on a phone than what comes out of our mouth.
Family Crisis
This last week we talked about the ABC's of how to react to a family crisis. it is the following:
A- Actual event- this means what actually happened
B- Behavioral response- How one reacts or responds to the situation
C- Cognitions- The way one thinks about it, how they percieve that others are thinking to it, etc.
X- The complete experience, and all the above put together to create the entire experience.
Now knowing these things it helps me reflect and to realize the ways me or others in my family were or weren't handling the current situation.
I really believe that Heavenly Father gives us harder challenges after previous ones we have experienced. If we take apart each layer of the crisis in the moment then it may make more sense when all the factors add together. If we can think, "why is this person acting this way? or reacting this way?" then it seems to make us have a little more patient with the situation and the people involved. And if we recognize the learning we have gained, and the experience we have gained as well then when the next problem arises, although it may be even more challenging, we will see it only as a stepping block to get it closer to our Heavenly Father and to help us in our journey back to him.
I want to make it a goal to reflect on the challenges I have gone through, what was good about how I reacted and what wasn't. And what could I do in the future to learn more and grow more, and accept the Lord's will better in all things.
A- Actual event- this means what actually happened
B- Behavioral response- How one reacts or responds to the situation
C- Cognitions- The way one thinks about it, how they percieve that others are thinking to it, etc.
X- The complete experience, and all the above put together to create the entire experience.
Now knowing these things it helps me reflect and to realize the ways me or others in my family were or weren't handling the current situation.
I really believe that Heavenly Father gives us harder challenges after previous ones we have experienced. If we take apart each layer of the crisis in the moment then it may make more sense when all the factors add together. If we can think, "why is this person acting this way? or reacting this way?" then it seems to make us have a little more patient with the situation and the people involved. And if we recognize the learning we have gained, and the experience we have gained as well then when the next problem arises, although it may be even more challenging, we will see it only as a stepping block to get it closer to our Heavenly Father and to help us in our journey back to him.
I want to make it a goal to reflect on the challenges I have gone through, what was good about how I reacted and what wasn't. And what could I do in the future to learn more and grow more, and accept the Lord's will better in all things.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Sex Talk? Yes please.
This week, we got close and personal. Thats right kids, the sex talks dont stop in middle school. They continue on, if your lucky, through college. Its kind of nice too, because more than half of that class is married I feel like so there's just no shame bringing up the topic. Im not anywhere close to marriage, I think atleast... however I feel like weve been talking all about the dirty in a lot of my classes. I'm really grateful actually. We were talking about when we first got the sex talk... was it at home, from some friends, sex ed in school. Let's be honest. I think sex ed was the first time I even heard about sex. I think perhaps because i was the firts kid in the family, my parents didnt really know how to go about it. Im super open with my parents on a lot of things, but sex wasnt one of them. I wasnt getting into mischief that i think they just kinda skipped the subject and moved onto other things. Of course in middle school and high school i was so down with that. Last thing i wanted was my parents to sit me down and give me "the talk" however i look back now and i think, who even cares! Wish i had had it. I think the unspoken law about the subject was just, "if you have questions, ask us." Well, turns out that that was the same unspoken rule in everyone's house about in my class. But none of us ever took our questions to our parents because we were to uncomfortable about it!
Now i guess i just think about it, i wish someone had just taken the initiative to inform me. Now, its whatever. But i feel very uninformed for my age. Its not so uncomfortable to talk about now. Last thing i want to be is "uninformed" and "unprepared" for the wedding night. I think its important that we talk to our kids about this stuff, im not blaming my parents for not really doing so. However, i think its important that we approach the subject with our kids and help them understand that its not something gross, wrong or scary. That this is a big part of heavenly father's plan for us. And its something sacred. If we treat it as such with our kids hopefully they wont be grossed out and understand that its something very important to Heavenly Father, which is why we talk about it the way that we do.
Now i guess i just think about it, i wish someone had just taken the initiative to inform me. Now, its whatever. But i feel very uninformed for my age. Its not so uncomfortable to talk about now. Last thing i want to be is "uninformed" and "unprepared" for the wedding night. I think its important that we talk to our kids about this stuff, im not blaming my parents for not really doing so. However, i think its important that we approach the subject with our kids and help them understand that its not something gross, wrong or scary. That this is a big part of heavenly father's plan for us. And its something sacred. If we treat it as such with our kids hopefully they wont be grossed out and understand that its something very important to Heavenly Father, which is why we talk about it the way that we do.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
I can hear the bells....
Alright, so i can't here the bells. But we talked a butt load about weddings, receptions, marriage and babies this week in class. I guess I am at that age, although I don't feel too marriage hungry or baby hungry. First, this week we talked in class about how we want the proposal to go for us. I already know i do NOT want some big and public scene. I feel like those are SO awkward and you feel obligated to say yes. Hopefully you would want to say yes, regardless of how the situation presented itself, but just saying. I cant have my fiance proposing to me through a scavenger hunt or having 100 other random people drag me around town and do things to me that remind us of everything that we have ever done together ( no offense to anyone that has been proposed to this way, its just not my style). I just want something cute, romantic, but simple with the two of us. And i dont need the whole family hiding somewhere videotaping the whole thing either. I want to be able to tell them first, and not have them know before me.
Alright, onto the reception. I feel like there are so many ways to have a cheap yet classy reception. Br. Williams shared a great example of a couple that had been cohabiting for years just so they could save up to have their huge expensive wedding. He told them to just ask for a little help and see what others would be willing to do. And they threw a wedding together in 2 months. I think we are put into wards for that exact reason, to help one another and use your talents where others may lack. There has got to be someone in each ward that could offer their backyard for a recpetion, take a few pictures, do the bride's hair, make some food, help with sending out invitations and announcements. I think as you divide up the work, then its not as overwhelming.The important thing is that both the groom and bride's needs are met and they get to make the decisions together. Plus, they have so many ways to make things look so classy but for so cheap. You dont need to spend $20,000 or even $ 5,000 on a wedding.
And finally, The baby blues. I've heard about them. Dont know too much about them from personal experience. But i have been learning alot about this in my Pschology class right now. We have talked about how alot of women go into post pardum depression after having a baby, and that it can cause alot of stress on the marriage. I think firts off, part of the problem is, everyone talks about being a parent as the best experience, and most rewarding, but no one really talks about how hard it is and what a life changing adjustment it is. Mom is going through so many challenges physically, emotionally, mentally. She feels fat, shes exhausted, but needs to tend to this baby 24/7 and is thinking "Is there something wrong with me? everyone said this was going to be the best, but i'm not seeing what they were talking about." Then you have dad who is probably working full time, and is only home in the evening, and all you want to do is go to bed. He wants to help but doesn't know how exactly. There is certain things that he can't do for the baby because only mom can do them.. Then perhaps he starts to feel a little foresaken and a little jealous of baby as silly as that sounds. I think it is ao important that you and your spouse talk about how you are going to work together and give and take when this baby comes into the picture. Things may change because it wasnt how you expected but be flexible and patient. You're both going through a new phase and neither of you have really had experience with it.
Alright, onto the reception. I feel like there are so many ways to have a cheap yet classy reception. Br. Williams shared a great example of a couple that had been cohabiting for years just so they could save up to have their huge expensive wedding. He told them to just ask for a little help and see what others would be willing to do. And they threw a wedding together in 2 months. I think we are put into wards for that exact reason, to help one another and use your talents where others may lack. There has got to be someone in each ward that could offer their backyard for a recpetion, take a few pictures, do the bride's hair, make some food, help with sending out invitations and announcements. I think as you divide up the work, then its not as overwhelming.The important thing is that both the groom and bride's needs are met and they get to make the decisions together. Plus, they have so many ways to make things look so classy but for so cheap. You dont need to spend $20,000 or even $ 5,000 on a wedding.
And finally, The baby blues. I've heard about them. Dont know too much about them from personal experience. But i have been learning alot about this in my Pschology class right now. We have talked about how alot of women go into post pardum depression after having a baby, and that it can cause alot of stress on the marriage. I think firts off, part of the problem is, everyone talks about being a parent as the best experience, and most rewarding, but no one really talks about how hard it is and what a life changing adjustment it is. Mom is going through so many challenges physically, emotionally, mentally. She feels fat, shes exhausted, but needs to tend to this baby 24/7 and is thinking "Is there something wrong with me? everyone said this was going to be the best, but i'm not seeing what they were talking about." Then you have dad who is probably working full time, and is only home in the evening, and all you want to do is go to bed. He wants to help but doesn't know how exactly. There is certain things that he can't do for the baby because only mom can do them.. Then perhaps he starts to feel a little foresaken and a little jealous of baby as silly as that sounds. I think it is ao important that you and your spouse talk about how you are going to work together and give and take when this baby comes into the picture. Things may change because it wasnt how you expected but be flexible and patient. You're both going through a new phase and neither of you have really had experience with it.
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